Tanks a lot!
by Hamfast Gamgee
Summary: It's Captain Blackadder's job to give a test run to the Tank a weapon that could change the nature of warfare, if Blackadder lives to see it! Please R
1. Strange matters afoot

Two men were sitting in a table and enjoying breakfast. Well, 'enjoying,' might be too strong a word. Supplies had been a little scarce recently and some of the recent meals had a fairly odd flavour. As one of them pointed out, 'Darling, that coffee I thought a little bit, well, flavourless if I might be blunt. I think I must have a word with our Cook. I always think a day starts well with a good coffee after bed, eh, Darling!'

'Oooermissus, Bit of an innuendo there!' thought Darling, but that was his name. Kevin Darling. 'Well, yes, but we are having powdered milk at the moment which as you know is not quite like the real thing. But this is a foreign country. They way they do things in France is different!' He smiled at his companion opposite. Melchett was wearing a traditional, if extremely bright, but comfortable green nightgown and slippers, featuring an incredibly bushy moustache which counteracted with his balding head.

'Still, it finished off ok. That chocolate cake at the end. Nice and thick. Strange flavour, but that's Parisian Chocolate for you! I particularly like taking a big bite and smothering it all around my face! Melchett took out another slice of 'chocolate,' cake shrugged and true to his word eat an enormous mouthful and Darling could see bits of Chocolate stuck all around his nose, cheeks, moustache and mouth. Melchett wiped some away and then opened some mail, saying, 'Well, lets see what news there is from home!' Melchett flamboyantly ripped open an envelope and eagerly read a white letter.

To Darling's surprise he let out a terrible howl and cried, 'No, no, no, disaster,' and banged his fist against the table in some despair, then threw his head back. He was obviously upset. For a while Mechett couldn't speak but then he cried. 'We've lost! Oxford Rugby team lost to Cambridge 13 -10, oh, doom doom doom to the merry boys of Oxford!'

Darling looked at the paper himself. 'No, it says that Oxford actually won the match!'

'No, not the Rugby, they lost the drinking games after the match. They lost the dectorian! Ten beers in 30 minutes for 5 hours. At the end, 13 of our team were senseless prone on the floor to 10 of theirs. And that's after 6 years of unbeaten drinking yourself to a stupor success. It's that new Captain of ours. Never liked the look of him. He can't even grow a moustache like mine properly!'

'University Education, what have I been missing?' Captain Darling thought.

'Still in good news, news from home! Nice to see my son doing so well. Says he set fire to an antique sofas the other day and caused the Fire Brigade to come out. Ha, ha, that's my boy. A humorous 3-year old. Now then, Captain, I need to send two letters. One very secret one to Captain Blackadder about our very secret new weapon, but nothing more said about that, hush, hush and one home. You're not going to the trenches, I need you at that staff meeting today, ah, Private Baldrick.'

A rather small man in a Pirvates uniform came in the room and stood next to Darling. He was sniffing the air. In fact, he was creating something in the air. This Captain Darling rather regretted. Darling prided himself on been a sophisticed man, but the odour that some of the men from the trenches could be quite disgusting. He made a face and stepped a little away, but this made little difference to the odour!

General Melchett continued, 'Now than Baldrick, I have hear a most important note for you to send to your Captain. It's quite crucial, the fate of many men could rest with it, so don't mislay it under any circumstances. Also, heres another note from me to send home. Now is that clear?' He handed both letters to the Private and a few supplies for the trenches. Baldrick himself however did look a bit puzzled as though he was concentrating.

In the meantime the aforementioned Captain Blackadder was also looking puzzled. He was standing in a tyipical trench in WW1 at night, feeling very cold. But he was subtilly looking out towards the Germans in his green Captain's uniform. He gave a little glance at his Lieutenant. 'George, do you know, I do believe some Germans are advancing towards us. Somethings up'

'But they wouldn't do that that's near certain suicide!' replied Lieutenant George Hanover.

'Normally, yes, George. But I have heard some strange rumours about today. It's possible that some things even worse could be happening out there. George we need to prepare ourselves!' Blackadder checked his pistol was in working order, safety catch off. Above him was lots of mud and some ladders leading up to the ground above. There were some stars in the sky if one could see them above the gunmist but they didn't warm a cold soldier's heart any!

Captain Blackadder was right to be concerned. A group of German soldiers dived into the trench. They started firing guns all around. Blackadder let of a shot, then heroically hid under a table. But this probably saved his life. Although quickly other British soldiers shot many of the Germans dead, outnumbering them, and one managed to surrender.

'Get that Hun out of here, you swine!' said Lieutenant George.

'Oh, give it a rest, George, you weren't so heroic when they first attacked,' Sighed Blackadder. Still he looked to see the trench opposite. 'Although I now see why they were so keen to attack. Poison Gas. We've attacked their trench with Poison Gas. Well, no doubt the Jerries thought a death by the bullet a better one than having ones lungs coughed out. Frankly I don't blame them. George, what are you doing?'

'Lets attack, they must be all dead now!' cried George and climbed out of the trench.

Blackadder was more cautious and just poked his head over. George quickly dived back into the trench as he was shot at by a hail of bullets. 'Well done! Looks like there are still more than a few of the Germans out there. Poison gas, nasty one! Seems that our command doesn't think that hiding out in mud trenches in the ground, with scarce food not moving an inch and hundreds of men dying a day is bad enough. So they've invented devices such as poison gas which causes a man to cough out his own lungs taking around a day. So much for the military mind!'

But the attack was over. Blackadder was still irritable. All that night he was irritable and couldn't sleep. Partly because of the large rats which were an unwelcome feature in the trenches. He saw a particularly nasty one by the door. Which pointed its teeth and was almost gloating at him. Well, sometimes Blackadder's patience could run thin. So he pulled out his pistol and with a single shot slew the creature.

'Oh, Sir, what did you do that for, that was poor little ratty, my pet!'

This was the voice of someone that could only make Blackadder's night worse. 'Baldrick, it's vermin that's why!'

Baldrick began to cry, 'Oh, poor little ratty, my one companion that truly understood me. The horrors of War caused him to die by mistaken identity. Well, I suppose he'll just have to go into the pot. Oh, by the way, sir letter for you! Baldrick handed his Captain an envelope.

Blackadder tore it open and read the letter. He said, 'Hmmm, Fluffykins, that's an unusual start for a letter from Melchett. Perhaps they've changed the security code. Delighted to see the antique's of charming Teddy. He must have destroyed the entire West wing, the charming boy! Hope Susan is ready for the wedding of the year, lets hope it last longer than last years major wedding, the groom managed to kill himself in a riding accident!' Blackadder frowned.

'Baldrick! Either the security code has been changed totally with no-one telling me in the last few days, or you have sent me the wrong letter yet again! It might have escaped your notice, but none of these events holds even the slightest of interest for me.' Blackadder towered over the unfortunate little Pirvate and held his collar. 'Baldrick, do you have another letter for me?'

'Crumbs, yes, this one!' Baldrick said handing Blackadder another note.

Blackadder looked at it. 'Hmmm, not too sure this is much of an improvement. Seems that I have been summoned to visit the General,' Blackadder didn't look happy. This was because a visit to his commanding officer General Melchett very rarely meant happy news. Melchett probably had some very dangerous and very scatter-brained plan!

He watched as Baldrick began cutting a rat's tail of. 'Baldrick, what are you doing with that rat's corpse?'

'I need the tail sir. They are having Spaghetti tonight at HQ. Don't see any Pasta around here, do you sir?'

Blackadder felt a little ill.

The next day he was with George, Baldrick, Darling and Melchett at HQ. Melchett and Darling were both just finished their evening meal. Spaghetti in fact! Melchett scooped up some into his mouth in obvious enjoyment. Seen as Blackadder know knew the source of the Spaghetti, he wasn't envious. In fact, he just gave a curious look at the General.

But then the General stood up and started to speak, 'Baah, it's a deadly, dangerous war out there! Hideous slaughter of men. Hundreds dying every day. Oh, the sheer bloody horror of it! Something has to be done!' Mechett slapped his table, 'So, the high command have decided to take immediate and effective action to stop the endless, senseless killing!'

This was a bit of a surprise to Blackadder, 'Do you mean you've seen sense and are making peace?' said he.

'Don't talk such treasonable and cowardly talk, Blackadder! Of course not! No, what we need is a slight change of immediate tactics. And I have the very thing. New weapon, Captain. A new weapon which will crush the Hun and send them packing back to Berlin. A mighty colossus on wheels. Invented by the armies own best minds. With a big gun. Tanks!'

'Youre welcome! Oh, sorry you didn't mean that!' said Blackadder. But he was thinking, 'Of course! Wouldn't be making peace would they? It's just yet another of their weapon advances. Well, they are a mixed bunch. Ranges from those that are totally crackpot from those that might have potential. A bit like the Tank in the later category. But it's still incredibly dangerous for one to use a prototype. In some ways, I'd prefer to use a crackpot invention. At least those simply don't work!'

'So, Blackadder we need someone to volunteer to take one of these devices behind Enemy lines to test them!'

This sounded a dangerous journey to Blackadder. But for a moment he thought that George was going to be stupid enough to volunteer. It would be just like him. In fact he could hear George just beginning to speak. Captain Blackadder gave his Lieutenant a quick clip around the ear to shut him up. But he said, 'I'd love to sir, but I'm afraid I can't. Backpain you see!' and he clutched his back. This was pure pretence, naturally but Blackadder didn't see why it should be him that had to do this mission.

'I command you, Captain Blackadder to take this mission and volunteer and if you don't do it I'll have you shot!' said the General putting any thoughts that Blackadder had to sneak out of it. Mechett was thinking, 'I'm sure this will be a jolly wheeze for my captain. He's a heroic tommy, he'll pull through. If he doesn't he'll get some vital information instead but hes going!' He gave Blackadder a typical friendly yet life-threatening upper-class smile.

Blackadder groaned in reply.


	2. Baldrick's cunning plan

And as Blackadder groaned a new arrival entered the command room. He was not a military type, been a bit thin and wiry. Well, so too was Blackadder in a way. But this chap had greying, thinning hair with a bald head. He wore a white overall with pencils, pens, he wore glasses and spoke quickly and excitedly. 'Ah, Blackadder, allow me to introduce you to one of our top weaponry researchers, Professor N!'

Blackadder was less than impressed with the new arrival thinking him a bit of a nerd.

Professor N opened his mouth and Blackadder was then left with no doubt. 'Hi, well this Tank is an incredible device, one which I have no doubt you will find very useful against the Germans. It is an old-fashioned cannon instrument perched upon it's very own movable device similar to a car. Well, it was one of my ideas to convert the principles of a car to help our brave soldiers. So.....'

Blackadder gave a little cough.

This was unnoticed by Professor N who continued, 'But one tricky point we had was such a device was vulnerable to enemy attack in our theorums. All very well to have a device that would bust through the German defences, but how to defend it? Well, we thought and thought and would you believe some of the ideas we came up with. Then, I thought of the obvious. I can't believe how we didn't think of it before!' Professor N strode around the chateau quickly as he spoke.

Blackadder coughed again.

Professor N continued regardless with distressing stubbornness. 'So, I thought that as shells will be aimed at it, why don't we just make the machine have a defence of its own? The most simple one. Build a shield wall around it. Well, you wouldn't believe the opposition I had to this. But I persuaded them. So I managed to design and build this rather radical and impressive device wouldn't you say?'

Blacadder coughed for another time. Finally Professor N noticed. 'Do have a comment Captain?'

'Not really Professor, I was just wondering if you had ever had sex?'

To Captain Blackadder's amusement, Professor N blushed deeply. But Melchett laughed, 'I can see you are going to get on famously,' and slapped Professor N's back hard. 'Thats a good job because he is coming with you. The Prof tells me that he has a desire to see his baby in action, so now's the good time. He is one of our smartest lads. He had a major hand in inventing Poison Gas, you know! A fine way that is to eliminate the cruel Hun!'

Blackadder smiled at the irony of the statement that Melchett had made even without him knowing it. 'Ah, the cruel Hun and Poison Gas! Would this be the Poison Gas that causes men's lungs to flare up, his own blood to rise into his throat making him cough up various parts of his body in agony, making his skin feel like fire and to slowly die in choking pain over a number of hours?'

'The very same. Now then, get on with it!'

So, the next day, Blackadder was sitting with messers George, Baldrick and Professor N in a rather rickety metal box on wheels, travelling slowly through the trench mud. They passed a group of British soldiers on the way. The soldiers all cheered and waved at them and their device. Blackadder gave a curt nod back while George cheered with enthusiasm. 'I say Sir, I believe thats old Johnny Boy T over their!'

'Oh, yes, or Lieutenant Tolkien to give him his proper name and he is a bit of a stickly for that!' said Blackadder nodding a hello to a certain Lieutenant.

'Fascinating character, writes tales you know!'

'Maybe, George, maybe! Just don't let him recite any Elven poetry to you!' Blackadder wasn't a fan.

'Now, careful everyone this is the point were we have to cross into enemy territory!' Blackadder warned.

'Finally, a chance to get at the Hun!' cried George with his normal cheerfulness as the Tank moved it's caterpillar-like wheels and climbed a muddy trench to the raised surface. 'Get at you!' cried George, then ducked down sharply as machine gun bullets fired at him. He crouched with the others as bullets rattled against the hull, his helmet pulled over his face.

'Very heroic!' said Blackadder scornfully at his Lieutenant.

The machine stalled for a second. 'We're stuck in the mud!' cried Professor N. In fact Blackadder took a quick careful look out and saw that the wheels of the Tank was in fact stuck in a human body. A rather mangled and dead human body. German or British one couldn't tell it was so mutilated. 'Come on Baldrick, up with the engine!' ordered Professor N.

'Rightyo Sir!' said Baldrick standing up, messier than usual with engine oil all over him.

'Nice to see this device I've been working on in action. I wonder if it has the same success story that the other device I had an influence in had. Fascinating, the stimulation of molecules by the use of Sulphuric and alloyed enhanced atmospheric solvency!' The military professor slapped Blackadder on the back and adjusted a couple of the Tanks instruments.

'I have met some very vicious men in the Army, but you must be the worst of them,' said Blackadder.

Professor N was genuinely shocked, 'Whatever do you mean?'

Blackadder sighed, 'You invent Poison Gas and a Tank. Both machines designed purely for killing people in large numbers and in a vicious manner. I think you must have a lot of blood on your hands. I wonder how you sleep at night?'

Professor N gabbled for a few moments. He had honestly never looked at his inventions in this manner, he was your typical innocent genius military mind, not knowing what his creations were used for. He babbled, 'That's, That's, that's highly unfair Blackadder. I just invent things. I don't used them for anything. My Gas now, I developed that purely for use against the Rats in the trenches, which you must agree is quite a problem!'

The naivety of your average military inventor caused Blackadder to bang his head on the wall. 'Which now just happens to be used against men.' The tank bumped along. Blackadder turned nastily to Professor N. 'But what of the Tank. This machine can only be used in one way, warfare! Or did you think that some sheepdogs needed help with a particularly random flock?' asked Blackadder in sarcasm, though some sheep could be hard for sheepdogs to herd.

'Funnily enough!' thought Professor N as that was the very justification he had been given!

'Anyway, George, where are we?'

George looked at his map. 'So, to support this push we are taking with these expremental devices. Shouldn't have said that, it's top secret, 'it appears that we go right beyond the German trench. But don't worry Skip, it's fairly deserted. And those that remain won't be able to penetrate our big shields. So, we need then to take a left to the River. Straighter to take a peek at the local town. Retrace our steps as shown. Oh, and then we find ourselves in downtown Newcastle!' George looked puzzled.

'Give me that!' cried Captain Blackadder snatching the parchment from George. 'George, I don't believe this, this isn't a map of the frontline, this is a map of Northumberland.' Blackadder swipped at George's head with the paper. 'In other words totally useless in this land. So, with that in mind do you have any idea were in France we could actually be?' Blackadder took a look at George.

'Could be cracking well anywhere!' George smiled cheerfully in contrast to the situation.

Baldrick then stood up, splashing engine oil at the unappreciative Blackadder. 'Captain, may I speak? What are those round things that keep on going and one is not supposed to re-invent? Which seem to be beneath this thinny upon which we travel. And what should happen if one of these round things snap of and roll all the way down a slope of it's own violation?'

Blackadder thought for a moment. 'Baldrick, are you saying some of our wheels have snapped off?'

'Oh, yes that's another way of putting it!' said Baldrick.

As he finished, the Tank turned over on it's side. Out of control it slid down a muddy and slippery slope. It's occupants were banged about and Blackadder suffered a particularly nasty bruised rib which didn't improve his mood any. But he was trying to hang on, head down on the floor as the machine continued to bounce and slide. After a while and a bit of knocking, it finally laid still, but on its side. Blackadder took a very cautious look outside.

'Looks like were trapped, a town full of Germans on one side and a River on the other,' he informed.

'Lets just get out and have a look at the wheels!' cried George and he and Baldrick took a step outside the Tank. As did Baldrick both oblivious to the warnings that Blackadder gave them. 'Ah, well you see,' George began and started to put a screwdriver to a wheel. Then a shot from a sniper rang out and another. George and Baldrick hurriedly jumped back inside the Tank.

'So those Germans will be here soon. Any ideas?' Blackadder asked in some desperation.

Professor N suggested, 'Why don't we divert all power to the shields reconfigure the engine, gain a lock onto our destination, create a neural flux hit out at their ships blind spot fire a torpedo just before them which knocks out their shield and with our next shot we can explode their ships and we can be off right away. That normally works!' Professor N sometimes read Sci-fi comics.

'You've been reading too many Sci-fi comics, anyone else?' said Blackadder.

George stood up and raised his pistol. 'Now, I've been counting those Jerries and there aren't too many of them. Well around 40. Now we must have roughly that number of bullets. I suggest we jump out of here, shot at one Hun, then another then another. I know you Captain, you're a crack shot. We duck down from their bullets when they fire at us and we'll be away with maybe a Victoria cross for valar.'

'No, George, there's just too many of them!'

'Oh, come on sir, I say we give it a try!'

'We'll have to be really desperate!'

Baldrick then said, 'I have a cunning plan!'

If there was one thing that could put Blackadder in a worse mood it was a cunning plan from Baldrick.

Baldrick suggested, 'Well, why don't we start up the thinny from the engine, give it a real oomph, that should get this tank upright at least. Then, and I don't know why anyone else has thought of this, perhaps your all a bit thick, we go across to the River and we float all the way back home from behind the lines.' Baldrick then smiled as though he was waiting for an applause for this suggestion.

'Baldrick, we will sink the waters about 30ft deep!' Blackadder growled.

'Not so, Sir, I've seen a Tank float upon water!'

George did like to be cheerful, 'Have you Baldrick, er, when?' he asked puzzled.

'I did so, Sirs. I once saw a Tank go across a river in our territory, carrying people and all tooting it was!'

Blackadder then had a brainwave. He did know his Baldrick, rather more than he would have liked. 'Baldrick, I think you saw a boat! This is not a boat, this is a tank. Now, while the military mind continues to think up more ingenuis ways we can kill each other by the moment, it has not yet created a hybrid between a Tank and a Boat. So!' Blackadder showed what he thought of Baldrick's cunning plan by pinching him hard on the nose. 'Well, if that is the best you can come up with, as we are sitting here like a duck out of water and as the enemy is coming towards us, and as he will surely think up a way of passing through the metal, we had prepare ourselves for something terrible from the Germans.'

'What would that be Sir?' asked Lieutenant George.

'A fate worse than a fate worse than death. A hun speciality!' said Blackadder.


	3. The Tanks attack

Well, Blackadder wasn't far wrong. The Germans were curious about the device, but for the moment unable to get in. So, they devised cruel psychological warfare. They started playing a band and singing all their favorite drinking songs such as, 'Oompah, oompah, we all drink beer! Lager, Lager, Lager, Flap all our nipples,' or their particular favorite, 'Gasses from our bottoms in the air!' Naturally, it is also possible as some have argued that the Germans were simply singing some of their favorite tunes to amuse themselves, but the effect of hour after hour of Bavarian drinking songs is enough to turn the strongest minds into despair.

Blackadder nearly cracked for example. He stood up in the Tank, saliva dribbling from his mouth. He attempted to open the hatch. 'I can't bear it, I can't bear it!' he screamed. 'One more round of Germans slapping there nipples to their band! I'm getting out of here. Hang the consequences. ' raved he, his head spinning around in some despair at the music he was listening to.

'No, sir, no, no,no!' George cried in horror. Without knowing how to restrain his hysterical Captain, George resorted to slapping Blackadder around the face. Blackadder was very hysterical so George had to slap the Captain many times. He wasn't sure if Blackadder appreciated this, so George said to him, 'Sorry, Sir, but I have to be brutal. It's this or Baldrick will have to kiss you!' and so he punched Blackadder in the nose. 'Come on, help me!' he cried to Professor N and Baldrick.

'It's all right, I think I am fine now!' said Blackadder but he was ignored for a while.

'Calm down sir!' said Baldrick, hitting Blackadder very hard. Perhaps all the years of Blackadder treating him as a dogsbody, scorning upon him and stamping down hard upon any intelligent ideas that Baldrick might have suggested caused Baldrick to take out his frustrations in one moment and Blackadder's face stung. Professor N joined in and also gave Blackadder slap although by now Blackadder was recovering though perhaps his companions hadn't realized this.

'All right, all right, thank you all, but theres no need to overdo it!' snarled Blackadder. Though either because he hadn't heard or any excuse to hit Blackadder was a good one, Baldrick managed to get in one last slap. After he had fallen down, Blackadder dusted himself of and looked out of the Tank's telescope. 'Better get a look at what the Jerries are up to. They seem to have gone a bit quiet,' he said.

Looking over at the tank curiously were a patrol of German soldiers. They themselves were standing in the mud, worrying about death, been annoyed by rats in much the same manner of their English enemies. One said, 'Hans, vot is zat contraption? Ve have heard strange rumours of ze enemies weaponry recently. Is zer any way we can get to it?'

'Once ze 'evy machinery gets 'ere ve vill be able to enter and find out. But for the moment ve vatch.'

'Zat von't be long. I feel a bit sorry for ze fate of ze Britishers inside!'

One German offered another a cigarette. Well in some ways the attitude of the Germans were similar to that of the Tommy's. But war been war, things could get brutal and the Prussian at the time could be cruel to their prisoners. 'But ze machinery should have been here. Ve are losing time and time is short! Give me ze phone. Someone get me ze Fuhrer!'

'Ve do not have ze Fuhrer. You are in ze wong war, we have ze Kaiser! And time isn't short ve have plenty!'

'Vell, someone get me ze Kaiser!' This didn't have the same effect. The soldier asked his comrade as the rain dripped upon him, 'By ze way. Wy does some domkopf of ze fanfiction writer think that by having a few ze's replacing some w's with v's ve are somehow talking German? This is not any type of German zat I am aware of some type of language of ze very wierd type!'

'Because ze author can't speak proper German and subtitilies are hard to do in the printed word!'

'Oh, another thing, I don't know anyone called Hans! You're Karl, I'm Johann, he is Heinz!'

'Ze Britishers eh? Let us look forward to all of those football matches against zem in the future were we alvays vin! Vell, after 66 anyway!'

The top of the Tank was screwed of. A face of a German Colonel looked down upon Blackadder. He at least could speak a form of English. 'You will surrender to us. Or you will die. And then you will appreciate our Prussian hospitality!' The German Colonel started to laugh. But the 4 were taken to a car and then transported to a nearby prison and thrown into a cell.

After a while left to themselves, the Colonel appeared again 'Now then, you prisoners have a choice. You can tell us what you know and spare yourselves pain. Or you can suffer cruel torture.' The Colonel then smiled at the 4 in that way that many prison guards do when confronted with their prisoners. He did click his heels of his very smart German uniform.

'No, never will I betray my country!' nobly said George.

'You will get nothing out of me!' said Professor N bravely.

'I will not say a word!' Baldrick declared heroically but wrongly.

'All right, what do you want to know?' said Blackadder happy to betray the English for a better time.

'Very interesting, but I don't think you know much, you simple Captain of the English. Neither does your Lieutenant.' the Colonel came to Professor N and massaged his back. 'You are pretty indeed. But this is how do you say too obvious. But you are in Civilian clothing and clearly a Spy. We Germans strictly observe the rules of war and according to this, you will be shot. However, the English have given us a man with very bad social skill, thinking we will be fooled into thinking he is a top Scientist. No.'

'When it comes to bad social skills, you Germans excell yourselves,' thought Blackadder.

But the Colonel's next statement did surprise Blackadder. He came to Baldrick who looked back up at the German. 'This is the man. Cunningly disguised as an idiot. Yes?' The Colonel paused and walked around the cell a bit, but then stood behind Baldrick and massaged Baldrick's shoulders. 'We will interrogate this prisoner to see if we can find any intelligence out of him!'

Blackadder gave the Colonel a long look. 'I wish you luck, I haven't in 3 years! said he.

'But as for the rest of you! What do you think becomes of those we Germans take prisoner?'

'Allowed to go free and entry to the next round of the Soldier's talent contest?' suggested Blackadder.

'Wrong!' said the Colonel.

'Given a formal written warning, then allowed to go free!'

'Wrong!' said the Colonel.

'I give up!'

'Once we have found any use out of you, you will be used as our will and then be handed a consignment of German sausage and after that if any of you are still alive you will according to the strict rules of war be shot!'

'I thought the rules of war was that those that surrendered were taken prisoner?' Professor N asked.

'The rules of war are whatever we want them to be!' explained the Colonel. Baldrick was taken away.

'Nice of them to give us some sausage, I like a bit of frankfurter!' Lieutenant George chipped.

'I think George, that you might not like their sauce!' Blackadder sighed.

For a time Blackadder was left in the cell. He had to admit that he was getting a bit scared. Well, to be honest, fear had been a constant companion of his from about eight weeks since the start of the War. A war that was supposed to have been over by Christmas 1914. Seen as it was now spring 1917 Blackadder thought that the military mind had cocked up over that one! Blackadder often tried to hide his true feelings in a midst of humour and general fedupness but underneath he was scared stiff.

Also, the prospect of been a plaything of the Prussian soldiery was also not appealling. The Germans were possibly the worst nation in Europe to be a prisoner of in a no-holds barred conflict. Their military did have a habbit of been pointlessly brutal combined with a logical application of rules if brutality was involved. Though to be fair he was sure that been a prisoner of the English wasn't much fun either.

The door opened. 'Here is your comrade. The intelligence information is cunningly hidden with him!' laughed the German Colonel. Behind him were around 40 burly, well-armed Germans. There didn't seem to be much hope of jumping them although George looked like he could be mad enough to try. 'Well, then, my Englisher friends. It's sausage time!' the Germans laughed. It was probably fortunate, therefore, that at that precise moment that a shell from the push from the British landed on the chateau, causing the walls to cave in.

Smoke bellowed. Blackadder seized his chance. 'Now!' he cried and everyone ran out.

'Stop them, stop them!' cried someone and fired shots at them but it was too late. Just, which didn't do anything to help Blackadder's nerves any.

Blackadder ran to the muddy fields beyond the trenches. The British push had begun in earnest. Other tanks had punched through the German lines. From their guns the tanks launched shells of fire at the Germans. Many hit and sliced German soldiers in half. But many more German troops simply hid away from the line of fire. If one looked at the battlefield from above one could have seen lines of Tanks moving forward as shells and explosions rocketed around them. The British soldiers including horse-ridden cavalry, behind the Tanks moved forward, but then they received a shock as they found they were still targets and many mown down in machine gun bullets.

The Germans were also organizing themsleves, captains barking orders, comapanies forming together, many soldiers leaned on top of their trenches firing at the British. The corpses of dead soldiery on both sides lay in the mud and dust, some been trampled on by tanks or burned by shells and above, naturally crows flyed to take there pick at the end of the battle. Many local buildings had been hit and burned or collapsed around creating rubble.

'You know, this is a sight a bit more expensive than the BBC comedy department in the late eighties is normally capable of producing!' said George looking around at the panorama and the fighting. Although George was a little on the thick side, he did occasionally have flashes of insight into the future, he had this strange knack, although he rarely understood what he saw!

'Indeed!' thought Blackadder but then cried, 'Down!' as a shell landed nearby and he and George dived in one large puddle of cold water and Baldrick and Professor N in another. A sniper fired at them, as Blackadder and George dived deep into the water showing only their heads the sniper missed them, but Baldrick and Professor N were not so fortunate.

Both were hit. Professor N was hit in the small of the back and died in some pain, but in terms of warfare relatively quickly after around half an hour. Many deaths in this war were longer than that! Baldrick was hit right between the eyes and fell with a splash in the water. But Blackadder was more concerned with his own problems. It looked like he was trapped in this cold, muddy, smelly and very possibly toxic water for the duration of the battle, without been able to stand up either. He was right, and this took around 14 hours!

With Lieutenant Geroge. But Lieutenant George did try his best. He amused his Captain with another of his flashes of insight. 'Captain, there are those in this war that do think that it is been fought a little unwisely and that it is just needless slaughter! But in the future there are those that will look back at this, indeed very learned fellows and write books saying that in fact, this was a noteworthy and often unrecognizied triumph against an expansionist Germany!'

Actually this didn't cheer up Blackadder that much. 'Well, all that goes to show, George, is that sometimes people might have letters after there name, write 100s of pages of a book with very long words, some of which I don't even know, but prove that they are really not much smarter than even Baldrick over there. I might point out that the British Empire covers around a third of the globe. We are the dominant power of the seas and jealously guard that privilege. Indeed once we tried to dictate to the Germans the size of their fleet!

'Only in the past decade we tried to virtually annex an independent country!' In his last statement Blackadder was referring to the Boer War and he wasn't far wrong. Read it up! 'So, in expansionism, we Brits aren't really innocent, and in some ways we can't blame Germany for been ever so slightly suspicious about us!' Blackadder finished.

The rest of the time in the pond was spend in relative silence. Blackadder spend his time listening to the battle with only George, cold water, rats and possible Pneumonia for company. The night spent a long time passing. But as morning dawned and after a while the sounds of battle lessened, Blackadder decided it was time to make a cautious way out. As he crawled over, he saw the body of Professor N and incredibly, Baldrick stood up and was still alive.

'Baldrick, I saw a bullet go straight between your eyes, how did you survive?'

'Don't worry skip, missed my brain by about 10 feet!' Baldrick replied.

'Figures!' Blackadder thought.

But Baldrick said to him, 'Oh, what a bloody, terrible war this is, full of mindless slaughter,' Baldrick did have time to think a little in his spell in the puddle. 'This just goes to show what a savage race Mankind can be to each other. My only hope is that in the future we can find a better way to sort out our problems, around a table perhaps!' A surprisingly perceptive comment from Baldrick.

Then Blackadder had a vision of the future. He had one too! This must have been something to do with the field-mushrooms Baldrick had found and cooked for the company recently! He had a vision of another time, another country. Around 100 years in the future. But the British army were still there and still fighting another bloody war. In Afghanistan. All right, so it wasn't as bloody at least for the British as WW1 was, but it was still a war and still involved killing people.

Baldrick stepped out of an armoured car that he and Blackadder were travelling in. He had a little look at the dusty roadside in the burning Afghan sun. 'Oh, Sir, theres a little wire down here, it could trip someone up, I wonder what would happen if I should happen to pull it!' he said and reached down and snapped the wire up to inspect it, despite Blackadder's frantic calls of No!

In the resulting explosion, as it was a roadside bomb, Baldrick was killed and his name mentioned nobly in dispatches for some strange reason. But Blackadder lossed the use of one of his legs in the bang. 'Thanks a lot, Baldrick, I now have to be retired from the Army, with little prospect of work and only the meagre army pension to keep me without the use of my legs!' Blackadder sighed.

Back in WW1 Blackadder shook his head from the vision. 'Not for a while yet, I think, Balders!' he said.

Tired, hungry and scared, Captain Blackadder made his way back to the British trenches. Some German territory had been captured. Around half a mile at the cost of 25 000 lives in total on both sides. Half a mile! That's optimistic, try 100 ft! Blackadder had to take a look at some dispatches about the battle. George was still cheerful after eating and commented, 'Well, what a jolly jape, no harm done, lucky about the rescue, Bladders, something to write home about!'

Blackadder was not in a good mood and snapped back, 'A jolly jape, George? In case you didn't read it, thousands of men have lost their lives in that push. Also, by the way, you remember those chaps we past on our way to the push? They were one of the first wave. All dead now, I've just read that they were amongst the first to be mowed down in machine-gun fire. How jolly do you fine that?'

'Not so much really I suppose. Even that nice Lieutenant Tolkien?'

'Yes, even he!' said Blackadder.

''No, he hasn't according to this he was invalided out to Bighty for desintry!' George contradicted.

Blackadder took another look. 'Oh, yes so he was. Well that writer is a luckier bugger than me!' Blackadder had a bad feeling that this war would in the end be the death of him. He would have frankly done anything within reason to get out of it and he was deeply jealous of anyone that managed to fortunately acquire some kind of illness to get back home no matter how good there tales were. A bit unfair perhaps, but understandable.

The next day, Captain Blackadder and Baldrick were back in General Melchett's chateou for debriefing. Melchett seemed in a rather cheerful mood, though that did not necessarily mean happy news for Captain Blackadder. 'Ha, ha, I must say that was clever of you!'

'What was?' growled Blackadder.

'Well, figuring out that that Tank we gave you was a dud and playing along with the Jerries in your interrogation. That'll confuse 'em, reading false designs! It was supposed to collapse like that! We deliberately gave you a wrong type of Tank, knowing it would be captured and knowing that the Jerries would therefore get wrong information. Cagey, cagey eh? Counter-intelligence eh? What a wezz!'

'You actually sent us over the top with a deliberately wrongly designed tank? said Blackadder disbeliveingly.

'All part of our cunning plan!' said Captain Darling looking across at Blackadder.

'But we were nearly killed. Your weapons expert, Professor N was killed!' cried Blackadder.

'A little risk, perhaps, but necessary!' smiled Melchett with a rather calous lack of emotion. He seemed to dismiss the deaths thousands of his own men as nothing worse than a 'bad show!' Remember, this was the General that recently howled in despair, simply because his college had lost a drinking game. Such was the priorities of the English upper-class at the time.

Blackadder risked another question, 'So how did the Tanks push go?'

'Well, fine for a start. The tanks did manage to punch through enemy lines. Although then, they were at a bit of a loss for what to do as many of the enemy simply dodged 'em. So, we decided that the best thing would be to send in the Cavalry as a support.' Melchett explained. Blackadder had a horrid feeling in his stomach as what happened then. 'And then sadly, the Cavalry were cut down by machine gun bullets and the Tanks ran out of fuel and had to return! But then I'm sure we will figure out a way of using them!' smiled Melchett.

Blackadder thought he would never in his life understand the workings of the military mind.

'Still to business. Blackadder it is my pleasure to award those who's heroic and cunning mind successfully foiled the Jerries.' Melchett pulled out a draw and took out a medal with a ribbon around it. 'I therefore am delighted to award this Victoria Cross for Valour!' Melchett smiled and handed the medal towards Captain Blackadder who naturally assumed it was for him.

'Thank you very much sir!'

'Well, give it to Baldrick then!'

'What, General?'

'Private Baldrick! His great heroism under interrogation deserves recognition. Hand him the medal. In fact, I've a better. I'm sure that the citizens of his local town will appreciate the hero they have. Smokeshop, I believe from the west riding. Lets send him home for leave to receive the award.'

Blackadder was therefore treated to a trip to Smokeshop were Baldrick was treated as a hero. Blackadder wasn't sure that Baldrick really understood what was happening or that the citizens of Smokeshop really knew him, but he had to endure the Major and local MP handing Baldrick the medal and praising the Private to the skies with praise that had little to do with the Private in question.

But at the time Blackadder and Baldrick were dismissed. But Darling then choked on his Coffee. He turned to Blackadder. 'By the way, Captain, I've been meaning to ask. The quality of our meals has declined a little of late, your Coffee does not seem as full of flavour as it has been. Maybe you should allow it to brew for a bit longer!' Darling knew a little of how to make Coffee.

'Darling, we have had very short supplies of Coffee now for over a year. What we call Coffee around here is in fact, hot mud. Straight from the trenches!' he explained.

'Oh, but the stake seems to be fine!'

'How many cows do you see? Your stake is finest rat!'

Darling did look a bit put out by this information. Captain Blackadder was about to leave, but he was forced to ask. 'Captain, I don't think we have had much chocolate delivered either. I know, I have seen the list, but haven't thought about it. How, how does Baldrick make his Chocolate fudge cakes?' With a wicked grin of delight, Captain Blackadder told him whispering in Darling's ear. The information received was enough to make Darling quickly throw up!


End file.
